i watched the twirling skirts in front of my eyes whilst perched on a lazy slouched beat up old chair
feet stamping faster faster faster
the poetry of jazz louder sweeter purer
whispers that that musicians has ‘it’
that which alludes us all
swirling thick clouds of smoke cloak the air
light dark light dark flashes of apocalypse
align themselves across my drunken visions
of love and madness alike love and madness
café filled ears and tobacco invaded nostrils
comfort and chaos are one at cataclysmic climax
i am pulled up and spun round
coppery sounds and golden eyes hooting now
i blink. it is the end of maths class.
sunny hilly steam train travels
freight trains, boxcars
autumnal americana scenes
in clips from films.
fragmented sketches of other people’s memories
pieced into one infinite tumultuous daydream.
the mud grey sky filled with black steam.
it is not as wonderful as a dream
but starry eyes make it whole.
rosy visions contrast blue sky
and iridescent lakes with pollution unfound.
ephemeral glances westwards
to the beckoning crowds
silently screaming in desperation that
life is a trap and death is the end.
Dragging myself over a million thorns,
Hoping to be turned into a rose.
But, “I still love you”, I scream
And I want to hold you close.
Balancing my head inches above a noose.
A thousand verses of poetry battle with my chapped lips.
Scraps of stanzas fill my mind;
Hundreds of ways to beg for your kiss.
Of my failures, you fall to the list.
I cling to an abstract idea of someone up above
As I am ceaselessly hurt by human love.
Our fickle hearts beat faster in dreams of fantasies untold;
Left unsaid, undone, unlived when I die and get old.
Lust and desire set my mind in a trance
And my heart still yearns for cliched romance.
Trust is an issue and even art can lie
Oh well, you’ll never love me by and by.
You never wanted to get up
But they said you had to go.
You didn’t want to do that
But they said it must be so.
Your friends they upped and left you.
You didn’t want that too.
You didn’t want the tears and worry
With the words ‘get into twos.’
You didn’t like the way he touched you
But you let him; it’s the thing to do
You didn’t like the music, the darkness
And the people asking ‘who are you?’
So by the time you drank the liquor
You liked it and drank some more
No one told you to this time
Alone on your bedroom floor.
I hurt myself today
Because I ate a meal
Fighting pain with pain
As it’s the only thing that’s real
A blade scrapes the skin
Now new scars to hide
Oh Lord, I must be thin
I need someone on my side.
In sets the familiar hurt
Tears dripping on a page
Blood sticking to my shirt
Blood dripping out in rage
When all is thought through
-Over-thought in my mind-
You’re still the one I crave
When I’ve said all I can manage
Without crippling, so shy
You still turn back to her, at night,
Love me, I sigh.
When I’ve done all I don’t want to do
And dreamed too many a dream
Not that I want to be a burden
But I adore you now, I scream!
A friend once diagnosed herself
With a slip disc.
My diagnosis was love.
We found that I was in love
Which is just as painful
But I now smile in shower instead of crying.
When the girl in black told me about the butterflies
I thought of you
And you are my butterfly.
If I eat,
And we cannot
Fly away together…
Please, Stay With Me, Please
I am slipping away.
Link your fingers with mine, twisted.
Put your hands round my waist.
Do not let me fall.
Dreaming of grainy footage
In deserts, barefoot road trips
Spinning in a sundress
Sixties automobile in the sunset
What our lives could have been
Stay with me
And let our lives imitate dreams.
They are the girls who light up the room
They are the girls who are never alone
They are the girls whose only worries are boys
They are the girls who can join in with jokes
They are the girls at the parties
The ones who chat to the boys
And maybe go upstairs.
They are the girls with straight hair
They are the girls who talk freely loose lipped
They are the girls who never have to worry about sharing too much
They are the girls who still have problems
Because most people do.
I am the girl who sits all alone
I am the girl who no one asks home
I am the girl in drunk tears
I am the girl who is not like those girls
But I wish I was.